maybe everything is intentional (๑•́ -•̀)

I don't even know how to start this, so I'm just going to give context. 

After so much confusion with school and my major. I ended up being accepted into a program where it's like a transitional program where you're taking classes for 1 or 2 semesters. You take classes for an intended major, then you decide on a major, and you basically apply for that major. 

So I'm admitted into this program, and because the university I'm in is 2ish hours away, living on campus isn't an option because classes start on the 24th of this month. I'm trying to pick out my classes, but it's super late, and there isn't any online. 

I decide to make an appointment with my program advisor. Shout out to her; she has been the only person in uni to hear me and get things done. I have so much appreciation and respect for her. Anyways, I made a virtual appointment with her to meet this past Friday. 

Boom, Friday morning, my grandmother is leaving back to Mexico, and she's getting her things ready. As she's leaving, a thought pops into my head. Okay, let me break it down: I go to TAMUG - a uni that branches off from TAMU. Both these schools are located in 2 different places. Since before I was dismissed from the university, my housing and meal plan and everything else were sorted out. When I was dismissed, I cancelled both the meal plan and housing, but housing was not responding to me to acknowledge the cancellation. So I thought maybe I could still take classes at TAMUG and continue my fall semester there. I can't lie, I became extremely excited because I was a little bumbed out that I would stay home and take classes online. 

We dropped my grandmother off, said our goodbyes, and headed to TAMUG to see if it was possible to continue at the school like I was planning. I emailed my advisor to ask if I could take classes at TAMUG. She said yes as long as there for the intended major I had under the application. 

Just that gave me a lot of hope. I got to TAMUG; the only thing is that Friday was move-in day for students. I needed to go to both financial aid and student business services to get everything sorted out. I made an appointment for financial aid, but there were like 8 students in front of me. 

For context, administrators leave at 5; I arrived at 2. However, like I previously said, I had a virtual advising meeting at 3:20. The entire time I'm waiting, I'm extremely nervous. My stomach hurts incredebly bad. It gets to 3:15; I haven't been called for my financial aid appointment. I hop on my virtual appointment and give my advisor the rundown for what I was planning. She was kinda thrown off because when we initially met the first time she suggested majors like sociology, hr, or majors that weren't STEM-related. I wanted to do Construction Science. Still, she worked with me in making a schedule; she did warn me that since that major was under the school of architecture, they weren't really accepting anyone. Definitely discouraging, but I understand she wants me to take all options into consideration. 

We were on call for more time than we were scheduled. She paused our call to take the next student, but she said she would be back. As soon as she said that, I was called for my financial aid appointment. As soon as I started talking, the lady who was supposed to help me looked a little annoyed and stressed, but I needed answers. I tried to give me context, but she stopped me and asked exactly what I needed help with. All I wanted to know was, "Would the classes I enrolled in, would they be covered by financial aid?" She took a look into the classes and said no because the major I was enrolled in was General Studies; however, in my college, General Studies is not a major; they don't have undecided students. Students are working towards something. However, she argued General Studies was a major, but I knew that was incorrect. Just as we were talking, my advisor, who was on hold on my phone, popped back in and heard what was happening and argued General Studies was, in fact, not a major, and the classes we picked should be covered by financial aid. 

The lady was adamant and was not changing her mind. I felt so defeated, so I told the financial aid lady that I would talk to my advisor, figure out everything, and come back once we have my information correct. The moment I exited her room, I started crying because I knew the aid lady was incorrect. I felt belittled and unheard. She was of no help. I feel embarrassed and small. I told my advisor if she could give me a minute to collect myself because I was so confused at that moment. I had no idea what to do. I had a plan; nothing was going according to plan. So what now? Where do I go? My advisor got off the call and told me to give her a minute as she sorted everything out because there's no way the financial aid lady was correct. 

As soon as she left the call, I left for the restroom with my mom trailing behind me and started crying in the restroom. Genuinely, what now? I didn't know what to do; I just wanted to give up. I was so lost. We stayed in the restroom for 10 minutes. I tried so hard to stay strong, but it was so hard. We left the restroom, and I didn't know whether to leave and go back home or stay on campus and find answers elsewhere. 

I kid you not, as I'm walking to sit back down, the financial aid lady stops me and says, "Hey, Lilibeth, I don't know what your advisor did, but the classes do count and will be covered by financial aid, all except one. Figure out which one isn't covered, drop it, and enroll in another one." 

When I heard this, I wanted to cry tears of joy because my advisor's dedication to fixing the issue and having this lady all of a sudden speak nice and softly to me was amazing. I contacted my advisor through email and told her, "Hey, the aid lady is saying the classes are a go, all except one. Do you know which one it is? 

My advisor actually reached out to the head of her department to get me answers. We ended up hopping back on the call, and in the end I dropped all the classes we picked; I ended up with all online classes from TAMU, and not TAMUG, which is where I was battling the aid lady. 

In the end, essentially I'm in the process of cutting ties with TAMUG, essentially just getting all billing charges removed from my account since I won't be returning.

However, I initially made this post because even though this is a conversation many people steer away from, even myself, the fact is that God is in control. I just watched a TikTok video of a lady telling a storytime of how her coincidence ended up being the help someone needed and her receiving words that she so desperately needed. I felt her story resonate with my situation so much.

I know that with everything that is happening in the world, talking about God and Christianity is such a touching subject. However, this is what I received from this situation. Maybe my meeting with my advisor and the financial aid lady syncing up and happening at very close times was intentional. Battling the financial aid lady by myself would have been extremely difficult. When I felt like I didn't have a voice, God placed someone else as my voice and person of authority. She made things happen. She herself physically enrolled me into classes. She took the time to stay over her required time to meet my needs. I met with her the first time and became the person I seek academic guidance from and actually be a true guide. She herself was a first-generation student who felt she wasn't heard and took it upon herself to be the voice and guide for others in similar situations. 

I say all of this because once 5 o'clock hit and we finished all the problems and successfully picked classes, I thanked my advisor for everything shes did for me. My mom and I returned home, and that day we had church. I went, but in a way I was so mad at God. I didn't try to let him into my heart, and even though we resolved the issues and I knew what I still needed to do, I was mad. I didn't even pay attention in church; in a way, I ignored all attempts to spend time with him. But after hearing the storytime from TikTok, it made me reflect on coincidences and randomness in life. 

Maybe everything is intentional. I now understand things were supposed to play out this way. And yes, maybe I was mad at God because the situation didn't go as I intended, because I had hope of going back to campus and not having fomo and having the ability to see my friends and be away from home and have so much freedom I don't have back home. 

Faith and my relationship with God are something I battle with every day. I know He's real and He's done so much for me, but yet I can't take time to spend time with him. I think this semester is definitely going to be a semester where I discover and dive into many new experiences and gain insight into who I am. I've struggled with identity and expressing myself for so many years, and I've reached a moment in my life where I can't keep running from it. I want to learn in every which way I can. Just the fact that I've been able to reflect and recognize this is amazing to share.

Like I said before, this blog serves me for self-discovery. I love making it pretty to look at, but sometimes I'll be posting things like this that are just for myself, but they feel good to post because, in a way, it's anonymous, but it's not, but I'm comfortable enough to share. 

let me vent (っ- ‸ - ς)

 I feel like I've actually never fully explained to anyone why I chose engineering, and now I'm in this situation and feel sort of like I'm floating because things are working themselves out, but after graduating high school, I never thought I would be in such a situation. 

I remember growing up, I never understood why I felt so out of place. I never knew what I wanted, and it genuinely pissed me off so much because GIRL, how can you just not know? Like, PLSSS just think.  

Whatever, I go into a high school where you either go into healthcare or architecture and get a certificate for either. My dummy self decided to go into healthcare because my logic was that architecture was like construction, and why would a girl go into construction? Like plsss, a girl can literally do it all, but at the time I had the lowest self-esteem and felt like a chud, so it clouded my judgement. 

My freshman year wasn't bad, but I wasn't feeling a passion for health, and just the thought of working in the hospital made me believe I would become depressed. I went into my sophomore year feeling like 10 times better about myself, like it was the first time I genuinely felt I had a glow-up, like lowkey the people wanted me. 10th grade actually shaped me into who I am now. Special shoutout to my U.S. history teacher, whom I literally admired and had the biggest crush on, but at the same time felt like a father figure; however, I have my dad, so it was complicated. Anyways, he always grounded me and made me think realistically. I told him one time I wanted to be a psychologist, and he told me that career could take up to 8+ years, and that did not sound ideal for me. 

After that, I started thinking and went on TikTok and looked up majors that can take 4 years for a bachelor's. Boom, I landed on engineering. I watched all the TikToks of how engineering was incredibly hard, but how it had so many job opportunities. After I told my friends, they supported me; they said my logic made sense and it was a good career. After that, I tried to switch to architecture because I felt it aligned more with engineering. I met with the counselor, BROO, tell me why this lady was the most useless person on campus. I explained to her that I wanted to switch at the beginning of sophomore year; she didn't even try to work with me. She told me it was too late to switch; mind you, students take the certificate senior year. I had ample amount of time to switch; she was just being lazy. 

I ended up staying in healthcare, took the certificate, passed it, but didn't do anything with it; I applied to university and got accepted in general engineering. AMAZING. I always knew I wanted to go to college, live in the dorms, and meet new people. I knew uni would do wonders for me, and I was soo ready for many new experiences. 

The first semester of uni was literally culture shock. I'm Mexican, and I look it when I tell y'all it was difficult to have conversations with some of these white people. So many of them were republican. Y'all, when I tell y'all everyone found out Charlie Kirk died, some of these people actually tweaked out like, girl, did you know him personally? Like these people ride down for Turning Point and they don't care who they offend. 

Anyways, socially in uni I was good, but talking academically it wasn't horrible, but the engineering class I was taking was actually the death of me. I was having to code, but with the addition of real-world problems mixed with math/engineering. I passed that class because I did all the extra credit work. I remember after midterms I actually got so sad I stopped going to the gym because I needed more time to study. 

Enjoyed my winter break like never before. I went to Mexico for 2 weeks and lived my best life. Came back for second semester and was stuck with the worst math professor in history. Also, taking chem, but the last time I took chem was freshman year of high school. I was overly cooked. Still, I stayed positive. The only issue with myself is that once I'm in a stressful situation, I will literally procrastinate it and avoid it. I passed my first exam for the math, but was bombing chem. Honestly, long story short, I dropped the math course and failed chem. I felt like a complete failure. Then I doubled down, took the math course during the summer, and failed it. Meaning I was dropped from the College of Engineering, but I'm still in the university. 

Right now I applied to a program and am in the process of changing my major, but during the second semester I struggled so much mentally. I felt like I wasn't smart enough to compete with the other students. I was so emotionally repressed inside, and I've never experienced anxiety, but in the second semester I was actually tweaking; everything I would do would make me physically sick. So even though I'm in the unknown, I feel okay to know I tried. I am sad I failed, but I just pray everything works out and I'm able to get my degree. 

One thing I will say is that I definitely did get confident. I got cocky and thought that if I kept procrastinating and just say a prayer to God, it would all just magically happen. I was at fault for that. I believe it was a lesson and a reality check I needed. Not minimizing my effort, but do believe I could have fought harder. But maybe I just wasn't meant to be in engineering. 

This isn't really interesting; it's just something I need to get off my chest to keep moving forward. 

(ᴗ_ ᴗ。)

But enough feeling melancholic; my next post will be about my wishlist. >ᴗ<